Funny Stuff Thread [Archive] - VWGolf.net.au

JohnnyG

18-02-2010, 04:13 AM

Written by KIDS

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY???
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

JohnnyG

18-02-2010, 04:15 AM

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life...

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge
suite opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs and slowly recrosses them
…

Finally her husband asks:
”Are you wearing crutchless knickers?”

“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.

“Thank Christ for that …. I thought the stuffing was coming out of
the lounge suite.”

JohnnyG

18-02-2010, 04:19 AM

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....

Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this
Story? ...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!

JohnnyG

18-02-2010, 04:21 AM

The Snake and the Bunny

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny
was hopping through the forest,and the snake was slithering through the
forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This,of
course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny,

'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since
birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan,I
don't even know what I am.'

It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is as yours. I too
have been blind since birth,and also never knew my mother. Tell you what,
maybe I could slither all over you , and work out what you are so at
least you'll have that going for you.'

'Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all
over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have
really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony
tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw,
and help you the same way that you've helped me.'

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth
and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in
senior management.'

JohnnyG

18-02-2010, 04:24 AM

An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take home to their parents.

They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants.

The students were given green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns which they painted with glaze.

The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so theycould see the process.It was great fun!

They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely,but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home.
The cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home instead.

The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time!

http://forums.mini-mods.com.au/attachment.php?attachmentid=392&d=1239705548

JohnnyG

18-02-2010, 04:26 AM

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.'

It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before she could say 'fuck' , the Rottweiler ate him!

JohnnyG

18-02-2010, 04:36 AM

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

JohnnyG

18-02-2010, 04:38 AM

Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days And Decide To Have A
Last Night On The Town.

After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel.

The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And Whispers To Her
Manager, 'go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll In
Each Bed. These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of My Girls
On Them. They Won't Know The Difference.'

The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old Men Go Upstairs And Take
Care Of Their Business.

As They Are Walking Home The First Man Says, You Know, I Think My Girl
Was Dead!'

'dead?' Says His Friend, 'why Do You Say That?'

'well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was Loving Her.'

His Friend Says , 'could Be Worse I Think Mine Was A Witch.'

'a Witch ??. Why The Heck Would You Say That?'

'well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck, And I Gave Her
A Little Bite, Then She Farted And Flew Out The Window... Took My Teeth
With Her Too!'

JohnnyG

18-02-2010, 04:40 AM

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the Salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may I help you celebrate today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

JohnnyG

18-02-2010, 04:44 AM

The #2 pencil...

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!

You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little JohnnyG, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again JohnnyG came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, JohnnyG came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

JohnnyG

18-02-2010, 04:45 AM

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

JohnnyG

18-02-2010, 04:47 AM

IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO:

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice, at the casino.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm Completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

JohnnyG

18-02-2010, 04:49 AM

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

QUESTION

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more
than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and my car coasted
to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady,
making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we
have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he
went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but
found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid
her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began
thanking him and kissing him, and he was attempting to break free when I came back.

But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down
and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs Sheila Munroe

ANSWER
Dear Sheila:

Engine stalling after a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solve the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to
the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
Walter

JohnnyG

18-02-2010, 04:52 AM

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and
:frown: is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some "ARSE-ICONS?"

Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc 2 _) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb arse

JohnnyG

18-02-2010, 04:54 AM

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House', for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

JohnnyG

18-02-2010, 04:56 AM

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm
129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's
gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
and
do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on
some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with
nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 01:39 PM

CUSTOMER CREDIT CARD SERVICE

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so
priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it
is today. A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for
February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card,
and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to ANZ:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

ANZ: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

ANZ: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

ANZ: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"

ANZ: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

ANZ: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

ANZ: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

ANZ: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

ANZ: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

ANZ: "That might help."

Family Member: "Fawkner Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Sydney Rd, Plot Number 69 Fawkner."

ANZ: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 01:42 PM

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel.

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later, he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a fucking toffee apple!

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 01:44 PM

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that??"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.

In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly,

"Same illness, private health cover"

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 01:47 PM

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! "How ya doing?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie Boy. Want your usual table dance, big guy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time".

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 01:50 PM

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the Floor is covered in $100 notes.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are
Two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two Blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make Love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire...but why
He wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 01:51 PM

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman,
"Give me six Double Vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've Just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came Into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came Back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third Day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The Bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 01:54 PM

Three blokes -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an
Australian engineer -- are working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give
each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son
will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

Pooooof!

With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Australians
can come into our precious state."

Pooooof!

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.

The Australian engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick
and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out --
it's completely impenetrable."

The Australian engineer says, "Fill it with water"

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 01:55 PM

She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and I'd have to quit drinking.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, and I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for !!

I don't think she's coming back.....

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 01:55 PM

A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge. She went down to
the middle of the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the
bridge, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a
fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they
made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away"
she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing
me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "this is the Manly Ferry. "

Frenchie

20-02-2010, 02:12 PM

Damn Johnny, you own this thread!!

you've been a busy lil bee...

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 02:16 PM

Damn Johnny, you own this thread!!

you've been a busy lil bee...

I've got many more but have to pace myself

Frenchie

20-02-2010, 02:23 PM

:) don't get too excited Johnny, still reading page 1 !

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 03:03 PM

A very old couple who have been married forever are sitting on the
porch one night.

Suddenly, the old woman reaches over & smacks her husband, knocking him
off the porch & into the bushes.

He crawls back up & asks, "What was that for? "

She says, "For having a little pecker. "

He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the
other side of the porch & into the bushes. She crawls back & says,
"What was that for? "

He says, "For knowing they come in different sizes! "

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 03:08 PM

Does anyone read this stuff or am I wasting my time putting it up ?

Is anyone going to add funny stuff to this thread or am I going to end up owning this thread

Maybe everyone is ROF

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 03:11 PM

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "excuthe me, do you have any Widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level, and says "do you want a widdle white rabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwackwabbit? Or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers.... "I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc!"

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 03:38 PM

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor started to grin and looked at him.......................
"I'm just kidding," he chuckled. "She died two hours ago. So what did you shoot?"

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 03:44 PM

Father John's Bath!!!

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun,
Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way
the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not
to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever
he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've
been saved."

"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash
him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his
egs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to
Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I
would be assured salvation and eternal peace.

And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell
my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was
Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 03:46 PM

A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go once around the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 03:48 PM

WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY !!!

1. At lunch, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
5. When trying on clothes in a dressing room yell out, "There is no toilet paper in here."
6. In the memo field of all your checks write, "For sexual favors."
7. Finish all your sentences with, "In accordance with the prophecy."
8. Dont use punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Specify that your drive-thru order is "To go."
11. Sing along at the opera.
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds.
14. When the money comes out of the ATM scream, "I won! I won!"
15. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
16. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy we are going to let one of you go."

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 03:51 PM

AN AUSTRALIAN LOVE POEM

(Who said Australian men weren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what ya look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 03:55 PM

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him,he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my Side...
You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth...

"I think you're bad luck, why don't you fuck off."

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 03:57 PM

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Big W - nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, ya dickead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would fuck you twice!"

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 03:58 PM

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered
a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me,
I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer
asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer and for
years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying
fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 03:59 PM

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an
attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and
conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in
your pants".

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a
Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over
twenty-million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as
beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 04:01 PM

A Prayer for the Stressed!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also,
help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
as they may be connected to the arse that I may
have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work . . .
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday

And help me to remember . . .
When I’m having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown
but only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!

Amen.

JohnnyG

20-02-2010, 04:02 PM

Children's Science Exam

If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the
moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the bdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Pharkus

26-02-2010, 03:42 PM

Three statisticians go hunting. They come across a bear.

The first statistician takes aim and shoots, his shot misses the bear to the right by 10 metres.
The second statistician takes aim and shoots, his shot misses the bear to the left by 10 metres.
Taking aim again the first statistician takes aim and shoots, his shot misses the bear to the right by 10 metres again.
The second statistician takes aim again and shoots. Once again his shot misses the bear to the left by 10 metres, the same as his first shot.
The third statistician on seeing this runs to the bear and says “Statistically speaking, on average we should have hit you!”
He gets eaten by the mean bear.

Of course if it had of been Yogi bear he would have got the joke and laughed. But he was smarter than the average bear.

JohnnyG

26-02-2010, 04:40 PM

Good to see someone else posting keep up the good work

Cam

26-02-2010, 05:24 PM

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Cam

26-02-2010, 05:25 PM

Q.What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

10d

02-03-2010, 11:55 PM

Does anyone read this stuff or am I wasting my time putting it up ?

Is anyone going to add funny stuff to this thread or am I going to end up owning this thread

Maybe everyone is ROF

John, please keep going. LMAO

JohnnyG

03-03-2010, 12:08 AM

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very
tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we
can do it for old times sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but very good
idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see
these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye
on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided
by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make
their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally,
they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks this was truly amazing.

"I've got to ask them what their secret is."

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is
there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

JohnnyG

03-03-2010, 12:09 AM

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist?
Do you drive a tixi bro?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells,
"He's okay boys. He's one of us."

JohnnyG

03-03-2010, 12:10 AM

Two guys are pushing their shopping trolleys around a store when they collide.

The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like"?

The second guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
blue eyes, big breasts and is wearing short shorts and a tank top. What
does your wife look like"?

The first guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

JohnnyG

03-03-2010, 02:21 AM

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

JohnnyG

03-03-2010, 02:23 AM

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,.. "Those little bastards!"

JohnnyG

03-03-2010, 02:26 AM

A little girl comes running into the house bawling her eyes out and
cradling her hand: "Mummy quick! Get me a glass of cider!" She wailed.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mother.

"I've cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"
Confused and weary of the childs whinning, the mother obliged and
poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand into it.

Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined.

"What are you talking about?" asked her mother now getting a little
frustrated with her daughter. "Whatever made you think that cider would ease the pain?"

Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

JohnnyG

03-03-2010, 02:33 AM

God & The Biker:

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make my wife truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

JohnnyG

03-03-2010, 02:35 AM

REMEMBER GUYS, BE AWARE OF THE TRICK QUESTIONS.......

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - silence - -

HUSBAND: FUCK

JohnnyG

03-03-2010, 02:37 AM

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, but definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
"As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lined; no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room.

"What happened!?" they cried. The husband said,"I'm not sure, maybe she choked."

JohnnyG

03-03-2010, 02:41 AM

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue
in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could do with more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't have a f*cking clue, do you?

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f*cking power-crazy bitch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: F*ck off arse-wipe.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: Well f*ck me backwards with a telegraph pole.

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a f*ck.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: Not my f*cking problem, mate.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking chance mate.

10) TRY SAYING: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f*ck didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his f*cking arse.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Oi, f*ck face.

13) TRY SAYING: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway.
INSTEAD OF: Yeah, who needs f*cking holidays anyway.

Thank You,
Human Resources

JohnnyG

03-03-2010, 02:43 AM

Short and funny

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available
right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some
changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to
keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of
take offs you make."
~~~~~
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing
his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said,
"I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like
it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to
use mine.
~~~~~
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we
passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that,
we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my
son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let
those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without
forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your
way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer
for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps g etting harder
to find one.

JohnnyG

03-03-2010, 02:46 AM

Women Are Evil By Nature...
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered,

"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

40

Justin Fox

15-03-2010, 02:31 PM

http://www.flinders.edu.au/sabs/womensstudies/staff/baird.cfm

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Pharkus

19-03-2010, 02:24 PM

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 26 February 2010 8.12pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Censorship

Dear Mike,
Thank you for your letter. At no time have I condoned the use of drugs. I simply stated that I wish to purchase and sell them at a profit. I do however understand the importance of censorship. Without an enforced system of guidance from agencies such as yours, people would be forced to exercise their own discretion.
Regards, David.
From: Michael Harding
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 10.27am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Censorship

David, your obvious disrespect for authority doesn't change the fact that soliciting money for the purpose of purchasing and selling drugs is a criminal offence under South Australian law. I advise you to remove the article and I will check that you have done so by 5pm tomorrow.
Yours sincerely, Michael Harding
From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 10.44am
To: Michael Harding
Subject:Re: Re: Censorship

Dear Michael,
Despite your assumption, I have the highest amount of respect for authority. I actually wanted to become a police officer but failed the IQ test when I arrived on time at the correct building.
While not exactly a police officer, when I was about eight I desperately wanted to be Tom Selleck from Magnum PI. I painted my Standish Selecta-12 bright red and constructed a moustache by clipping a large amount of hair from the neighbour's cat and gluing it to my upper lip. This is how I discovered my allergy to cat hair. Dragged to my neighbour's house, my apology through lips the size of bananas came out as "Imsryfrctnheroffyrcat iwntdtobemgnumpi." I also wanted to be frozen and thawed out in the 25th century due to Wilma Deering's jumpsuit but despite emptying the refrigerator and sitting in it for over an hour, the only result was mild hypothermia and a belting.
I have been considering sitting the police exam again as protecting the community from burglars, murderers and blogs must be very fulfilling. I am fairly fit due to regularly thinking about jogging and I once performed a jumping jack. It was unintentional and involved a spider on the bath mat but still counts. I am also experienced in self defence and recently built a moat. Sometimes, I dress as a French mime and pretend to walk against a strong wind to the delight of those around me. Everybody loves a mime. This skill would obviously come in quite useful during police stealth operations.
Due to restrictive Australian gun laws, I do not have much experience with weapons but I did construct my own bazooka when I was about ten using a length of pipe, a securely tightened end cap, a golf ball and a three to one ratio of chlorine & brake fluid. While the design was flawless, the resulting broken collar bone from the kickback and two inch hole through two plaster walls then a television set brought a swift end to my foray into ballistic research and development.
Regards, David.
From: Michael Harding
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 2.09pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

David, this isn't the first time we've received complaints regarding your website. You have until 5pm tomorrow to remove the article and I'll be checking your website regularly. You might not take this seriously but I can assure you that we do.
Yours sincerely, Michael Harding
From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 3.18pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

Dear Michael,
I do indeed take the matter seriously and will attempt to facilitate your request by 5pm tomorrow despite the fact that I am extremely busy this weekend. I need to bury the two dead backpackers I have in the spare room as the smell is starting to attract suspicion. And wolves. It is a fairly large job as one of the backpackers is American and will therefore require a hole several sizes larger than normal. On the plus side, the other is from England which obviously means no dental records.
I could hire one of those mini bobcat tractors for the day but will probably just let the children out for a game of 'best digger gets food this week'. I am sick of hearing "I want my parents" and "Please don't lock me in the spare room again, it smells funny" but many hands, no matter how small, make light work.
Also, I was watching Crime Stoppers last night and was wondering if you need anyone to play the perpetrators in crime re-enactments? I have several years acting experience convincing co-workers that I am listening and care about their relationship issues or what they did on the weekend while really thinking about robots or what would happen if a car made of diamond drove really fast into a wall made of diamond. I would prefer to play either a black professor or an Asian bus driver.

Regards, David.
From: Michael Harding
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 10.26am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

I suggest you spend the time deleting the page as you have been requested to do rather than writing about dead backpackers.
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 2.02pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

Dear Mike,

My apologies for not getting back to you earlier, I was busy torching my vehicle. Did you know that if you report it stolen the insurance company gives you money to buy a new one? I usually do this every eleven months as it saves having to pay for an annual service.
I do not have dead backpackers in the spare room. I was just being silly. There is no space in there due to the hydroponics system, pots and bags of nutrients. I read somewhere that it is ok to have up to three hundred and seventy marijuana plants for personal use. Correct me if I wrong. As I do not have a backyard and the plants take up most of the apartment, I sleep in a hammock stretched between two of the larger trunks. It is like sleeping in a jungle and sometimes I pretend I am a baby monkey. Due to the 24 hour UV lighting, my electricity bill this month is nearly four thousand dollars but I have an awesome tan.
In regards to the website, rather than deleting the article, I will amend it to be about cats. Is this acceptable to you?
Regards, David.
From: Michael Harding
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 2.31pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

It isn't legal to grow even one plant which I'm sure you already know. Possession of less than 100g or one plant has been decriminalised but still carries a fine. Changing the page to be about cats is fine. I will be checking to see if it has been done by 5pm. I strongly suggest that you do so.
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.17pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

Dear Mike,
5pm eastern standard time or ours?
Regards, David.
From: Michael Harding
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.41pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

Ours. I've had enough of your nonsense. If the page is not removed or changed within the next 20 minutes I will be filing an order under the e-crimes act of 2006 to have the website shut down.
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.59pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

Done

JohnnyG

19-03-2010, 05:19 PM

LOL, long read but worth while

CoolJamJar

22-03-2010, 04:45 PM

Computers are like air conditioners... they don't work if you open windows...

CoolJamJar

23-03-2010, 05:34 AM

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little girl said,
'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home...'

Tensixty6

29-03-2010, 08:53 AM

Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 MPH over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

defaultx

29-03-2010, 10:06 AM

Hahahaha love that one Chris!

CoolJamJar

30-03-2010, 03:53 PM

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir?

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"

JohnnyG

15-05-2010, 05:31 AM

The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'